Gift Giving

Gift giving is tricky in any culture – even our own. How many times have I given a gift and wondered if I made the right choice? Did I read the receiver’s response correctly? When I first came to China and gave a gift – usually to the host who had invited me to dinner – I was somewhat prepared for what would happen. There was a brief smile or nod of thanks and it was whisked off – never to be seen again. I knew this was the custom and so wasn’t hurt. Students pointed out that it was a private matter between giver and receiver and so not to be opened in front of others. Times change and more recent visits often included not only the opening of the gift but sharing it or discussing it. “Where did you buy these strawberries?” “How did you make these?”
Even the bringing of a gift is not as expected as it once was. Or is it? I’ve heard both. “Oh teacher, you didn’t need to bring a gift. We don’t do that anymore.” And “Oh, Barbara, you’re so Chinese.”
When my mother died I was teaching in northeast China. It was my second year at the school and I was overwhelmed with visits and words of concern. “Please eat. Sad people sometimes don’t eat and you shouldn’t lose weight.”
One evening as I came back from class our building manager called me into his first floor office. It was an awkward moment as he seemed quite unsure of what to say. Surprising as we were the same age, often chatted and had enjoyed a dragon year birthday celebration. He handed me two bags – one with a jar of pineapple and the other a bag of powdered milk. “Here,” he said, “it’s very small but I thought something to eat was the best thing to give you now.” I thanked him and he went on. “I really don’t know if it’s the right thing to give. I really don’t know what to do when foreigners die.” He smiled and shook his head. “I really don’t know what to do when we Chinese people die. But I want you to know we’re friends.”